How to deal with problem roommates

Submitted by Patrick Grote on Thu, 08/23/2007 - 11:59am.

Roommates are either enjoyable or a pain in the ass. Some people will argue that there is a middle ground, but there isn't. If the roommate doesn't cause problems it's enjoyable.

I'm still not sure what you want to do in terms of moving away for college, but if you do the chances are you'll be randomly assigned a roommate. You won't have control over this process, and more than likely you won't be able to change it.

The first thing to realize is that most people are jerks without even knowing it. Yes, it's hard to believe, but people are raised differently than you and the folks in our city. You may find things about them that are annoying or distressing, so the first thing you need to do is differentiate between what is being a jerk and what isn't. This is a tough process, but I've always worked under the assumption that the person needs to know what is causing you problems.

So, the first thing to do is communicate your feelings to the person. Make sure you do this:

Outside of an argument: During an argument is never the time to bring up issues you want to resolve, especially with young adults.
In private: No one likes to be embarassed. This is the quickest way to put the person of defensive and turn their ears off.
Have examples: Don't be Nosey McNoserson the private investigator. There is no reason to document on Facebook the number of times they slammed the door while you were sleeping. Still, have a couple of good examples to reference.

Once you've communicated your feelings shut up and listen. The roommate could have a legitimate reason for the behavior or they could actual, gulp, apologize. Once you've said your peace, shut up.

In most cases your roommate is going to say they'll change, but it rarely happens on the first occasion. Surprise, this is the same thing you did with us. Be patient, remind the roommate and move on.

If the problem festers and the roommate doesn't change you can seek help from the school including moving out if you are in a dorm. The most important thing to remember is that you are responsible for yourself. A problem roommate isn't an excuse to do poorly in school. You can't blame a loud roommate for not being able to study.